For the life of me, I couldn’t write the sex scene.
It had started as madness on a bored evening, triggered by the awful bodice-ripper I had just finished. Even my 17-year old self could tell how over-the-top and badly written the lovemaking scenes had been, even if the temperamental Sicilian and the Englishwoman whose reserve evaporated in the boudoir seemed to have enjoyed it. In my teenage disgust I issued myself the challenge that I could write it better. Obviously, rational thinking had deserted me. I choose to blame the languid sighs and unrestrained panting I had just read my way through.
As I sat chewing the end of my pen, trying to strike the right note between the aesthetic exquisiteness of Nabokov and the earthiness of throbbing members and heaving bosoms, I realized:
1) Writing good sex is hard.
2) I was embarassed.
3) I was embarassed.
The last two gave me pause. I was alone in my room without anyone to know or read my infantile attempts at passionate prose, so what was the problem?
Looking back now, I realize that dissecting that feeling of heat-rashed embarassment was the healthiest thing I’ve done for my writing. In the next hour, I confronted my inexperience, Pakistani girl hang-ups, cultural taboos, sheltered upbringing, sexual inhibitions and the curiosity that made me feel ashamed, and was holding me back from writing about sex. From that point onwards, I resolved to not let any topic be off-limits for writing. It was the most liberating feeling.
Now, in my thirties, I have written and am still writing my way through subjects that make me feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, awkward or ashamed. If I see myself balking at writing about anything, I know that the only way I can free myself of whatever about it inhibits or intimidates me is to attack it on the page.
3 Benefits of Writing Out Your Inhibitions:
1) Confronting Boundaries
Treating subjects that take you out of your comfort zone forces you to face aspects of them that challenge you. It brings you up against the walls of your personal and environmental limitations. When, at 17, I examined why I was feeling embarassed about writing a sex scene, I ended up inspecting my own and social attitudes towards it. When you confront your boundaries, you become more self-aware.
2) Deepening Knowledge
Studying why a topic inhibits me is a great way to learn more about it. I start by asking what boundaries it is challenging and why? As I delve deeper into the reasons, I may uncover a need for more information, arrive at a deeper understanding of issues, and even find solutions to problems.
3) Claiming Voice
I write before I voice. Writing about inhibiting subjects gives me the confidence to ultimately talk about them. After I have worked my way through it on paper, I feel freed up to tackle it in conversation or write about it publicly.
Write brave and free. Until next week! 🙂
Sharmina
This actually holds true for the job of tackling tabu social issues as well. Five years ago I don’t think I would have been so comfortable posting about sexual abuse or domestic violence on Facebook or other groups.
Zakia R. Khwaja
Very true, Sharmina! I think the most courageous and difficult thing is to break out of the shackles that society and we, as a product of that society, place upon ourselves. We deliberately don’t access the immense power for internal/external examination and expression that is our birthright. Writing, for me, has been an entryway into shedding off those chains. It looks like it has been for you too. 🙂
Zakia R. Khwaja
Absolutely, Seemeen! 🙂 Everything begins with self-examination and that takes courage. Thanks for your comment! 🙂
Seemeen Saadat
Nice. Yes it does start with an honest examination of oneself. I think dealing with inhibitions also becomes easier when one is not constricted by the social norms. After all these are why one may be embarrassed or scared or uncomfortable writing about different issues, fiction and nonfiction. When one worries less about being appropriate and more about being authentic or honest can the best writing come…. now if only I could practice that myself:)
Michelle Stanley
I think this is a great post with good advice. Love the “Write brave and free” line.
Zakia R. Khwaja
Thanks, Michelle! 🙂
the dune mouse
wonderful post!! great advice!!- passing middle age and can’t for the life of me write about sex . – while envying writers like Anne Rice!! lol My best bet is to stick to children’s stories I fear!!!
Zakia R. Khwaja
I know, right? Writing the taboo, the forbidden or any inhibiting subject can be paralyzing. I still work through it everyday. Thank you for your comment! 🙂
Hadya
Well written! Looking forward to next week.
Zakia R. Khwaja
Thank you, Hadya! 🙂